“Good” Body

Not broken
To feel Beautiful on the inside and outside… This has long escaped me.

I grew up a heavy, chunky girl- desperately uncomfortable in my own skin. I believed people couldn’t and wouldn’t see me unless they saw it from the outside first, and more importantly I too looked from the outside in. Measuring ‘Emily’ by her waistline. 
Cocaine, diet pills and heavy partying brought with them an extreme lifestyle. Not eating for days and buying drugs before food had caused me to drop 50+ pounds rapidly. I was finally skinny. My ‘good’ body became a tool that made partying easier. I felt that as long as I was skinny enough I would never be alone, sober or bored. Yet misery was still my closest friend. 
Eventually addiction- the slow winding crawl to opiates, heroin and a critically unhealthy and co-dependent 5yr relationship had me relinquishing my facade for familiarity, for comfort, for the warm feeling of Nothingness opiates brought. I gained weight as I watched myself slide further and further as if adding gravity to my fall. Intravenous use mirrored my self-hate, and its potency polarized my despair. I saw only ugliness when I looked at my reflection. I saw only ugliness when I closed my eyes. 
       Two and half years ago- Transformation Happened. I learned to love myself. I learned to see myself, regardless of my pants size, my past, my stories, my labels. I learned to see straight through to the Core of my Divinity- my Essence- my Soul- God That I Am, That I Am.
My journey of transformation out of addiction, seperation and despair and into self- love has brought with it many many many gifts but tonight as a reach a landmark in my weightloss experience, I am humbled by the ability of our bodies- as sacred containers, teachers, reflections, and as indicator to our Spirit and our Heart…. 

My good body gave me Scars.
My good body gave me a life of memories, bittersweet
My good body gave me Rape
       of body 
My good body gave me Sacrifice 
                 of body 
                         and spirit
My good body gave me a Facade 
within which I hid
to play a story of ignorance 
       of pushing myself 
         far beyond reason 
               or belief
Ego driven force. 
Invincible Youth. 
My good body gave me Fear
      of losing it all
           of time
               of choices 
My good body gave me Judgement
My good body gave me Lust
My good body has been Raw 

This Good body Embodies 
   All that I am 
   All that I was 
    All that I will be
This Good body is the same as That Good body
And Now at One, As One- She Is Love 
I do not fear being healthy and having a ‘good’ body. This body is a reflection of my truth. My Divinity. And while a reflection and embodiement of the past, no longer a tool or item up for exchange.
I Am My Worth, not my body although including it as a temple- as a sacred vessel of creator source energy.
This body reflects my acknowledgement of this fact. Always.
And This Body is proud of what it contains.

           This Body is mine. 
This Body is Whole 
This Body is Healed 
This Body is Perfect
This Body is Hope 
This Body is Love 
This Body is God 

This Body I will Purify 
This Body I will Honor
This Body I will Respect 
This Body I will Cherish 
This Body I will Nurture 
This Body I will be Gentle to
This Body I will See 
This Body I will Love